I have this tendency to get lost in my head sometimes.
I'm not even sure that I'm really thinking. If I knew what was going on, I'd say that all thoughts are obliterated. Like staring at a white, smooth wall. Nothing. No murmur. No reminiscing. No nostalgia.

No thoughts, at all. It's almost like getting lost in space. Maybe in the emotional part of my brain.

I think I might even forget to breathe. It's like a constant exhale, with no recollection of how to pull the air back in.

When I say I get lost in my head, I really mean it.

I don't know why I do it. It's not like I'm depressed or anything.

I just simply stop. thinking.

Stupid Girl.

You'd think that when history repeats itself, we'd learn to make a different choice, to do something different.
That we'd learn from our mistakes and fix our actions.

So why do we keep going back to something we know is wrong, and make the same mistakes over and over again? And why do we do this when we already know the outcome?

Sometimes, I guess we hope for a different outcome. We hope that maybe - just maybe - something is different enough this time that the result won't be the same as it has been.

Why do we knowingly make the same mistakes? What drives us to go through the same pain continuously, and know we're going to end up with the same as before?
I mean, are we insane? Am I?

Einstein, being the wise man he was, once said, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

But am I really expecting different results? I know what happens each time, yet I keep hoping for something else. Is this insanity? I know what'll happen each time, yet I keep doing it. Insanity, or stupidity?

Probably both. Because, for once, I can say I saw it coming. I knew it would happen, but I did it anyway. Better than being blind-sided.


With time comes knowledge, I guess.

Free b*tch, baby.

Lately, people have been trying to hook me up with their friends. And I really appreciate it, because I know they want me to be happy.
But, I'm not like most people. I don't need to be in a relationship every time I become single. I don't need someone by my side at all times. I don't need a boyfriend to be happy.

And for some reason, nobody understands that.

I am single by choice.

For once, I'm actually very happy being single. For once, I don't have someone on my mind at all times. I don't worry about whether or not I've pissed them off. I don't feel like I have to tiptoe around anyone.
For once, I feel free. [As free as my hair?<3]

When I am ready to step out of my comfort zone, I will. After all the crap that happened earlier this month, I'm not exactly ready to let my heart fall into someone's hands. Basically, when it happens, it happens. I'm not pushing it, and neither should anyone else. Just let me have my fun. Haha.

Remember, I'm a free b*tch, baby. <3

Que será, será.

"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing."  ~Mark Twain, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, 1876

When a promise is made by someone you trust, you can't help but to believe it, to count on it. Never once do you believe that they'd turn their back on that promise and do the exact opposite.

When I was promised by someone I cared for that they would never hurt me again, and they'd try their best to make up for the pain they caused in the past years, I honestly believed it.

This is one of those times when I wish I listened to everyone who told me to forget about him. But how was I supposed to know that I'd get hurt again? Especially when everything seemed different this time. Especially when he seemed to sincerely care.

And maybe he did.

But let me tell you something, kiddos. When you care for someone, you don't lead them on for a year and a half, only to slap them with, "Oh, I've got feelings for someone else who lives across the state. Here, let me make you feel inadequate and date this girl I've secretly been talking to after I told you I have no intention of dating anyone."

As my friend Candice said, that's cold blooded.

Seriously, who the hell does that?
Oh yeah, that's right..

I cried for about two days when I first told him off  for treating me like hell. And I thought to myself that I still wanted him in my life, but at a distance. The day that I was going to tell him I wanted him to stay in my life was the day he asked the girl out.
Uh, yeah.. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

No exaggeration there. I would have thrown my phone across the house if I believed it was shock proof. Though, I was shaking. I didn't eat dinner that night, either. I was so pissed.

And I still am, though it's better controlled now.
Though, I've never been so angry with someone in my life.. Not even after I was cheated on. In fact, I'd take Aaron cheating on me over this any day.
At least that didn't hurt as bad as the realization that I had been strung along for the past year and a half, hoping and waiting.. and being used in the meanwhile. If I had any clue as to how this would end, I would have never done it in the first place. It would have saved me a damn year and many lost opportunities.

Let me tell you something.. If you're not in a legitimate relationship (meaning there are no labels, and he's [or she] is free to see who he [or she] wants..)  DO NOT turn someone down because you think there's hope for you between you and this person you're waiting on (especially if you DO like them..). More than likely, you're wasting your time waiting.

A whole year wasted and many opportunities lost. Please learn from my mistakes. The pain in the end is not worth the few good times you may have together.


I can't help but look back and wonder how I could be so stupid. I was drowning in a false hope. Though I guess it's kinda hard not to when someone fills you with empty promises and gives you a ring to make you think it's real.
If I could take it all back - even from the very beginning - I would. Maybe it would have saved me three years of pain and confusion.

Everything happens for a reason, right? Well.. What in the hell was the point in this? To gain a better knowledge of assholes, and to know better than to trust someone even though they say those three little words? Because if that's all, that's a pretty crappy life lesson to get from 3 years of this hell.

I can't lie, though. When it was good, all was wonderful: the happiest I've ever been! But as you see, when everything went to hell.. it literally went to hell.

I guess while I'm trying to get over it all, I pray that karma still works. Did you ever stop to think that maybe your life is crap because of all the hell you've created?

Life is as you make it. And I'm working to make mine better. Maybe one day everything will be okay between us, but at this point.. I highly doubt it.

Que será, será. Right?

"Men are not punished for their sins, but by them."  ~Elbert Hubbard

Just a taste of what you've paid for.

If there is one thing about Portland that I will never miss, no matter how far I move away, it would have to be how everyone gets in everybody's business, whether they belong there or not.

It irritates me to no end to see someone butt into a situation that doesn't concern them.
I'd be more specific, but I don't need an uproar on my hands.

I just wish some people would grow up and get out of the crossfire. Adding to the drama isn't helping the people involved.


Am I the only one who's looking at the big picture instead of the little angry pieces?
I'm starting to believe so.

Deaf.

Where are my friends when I need them most?
When I need to get something off my chest, nobody is around.

I don't really shout out that I need someone to talk to, so those who don't know I need it, I don't blame.
But when I pick someone out for a reason - whatever that reason may be - they don't hardly carry a conversation with me.

It's not fair that when they need someone, I'm always around. But when it's the other way around, I'm not able to talk to them.


I needed my friends this past week. I needed my dad, too, but that's another story.
Only one friend stepped up to the plate this week, and that was Kristen.

And I guess who I'm really irritated with are those who knew what was going on, but wouldn't hold a conversation with me.

I need to talk. I need to get it out of my system.
But nobody would listen.



Did you guys know that there was a moment when I was almost positive that he died?
No, I guess you wouldn't. You wouldn't let me talk it out.


So please don't expect me to listen to you next time.





Because, thanks to you, I had to ride out the fear alone.

Damn.

I can't seem to find a subject to write about that won't make me sound like I'm whining about something.

There's plenty on my mind, I just can't decide on what subject I want to get into.
Or, if I finally find something, I lose heart half way through and kind of half-ass write it. And I don't want to do that.

I think I'm trying to keep this blog constructive, and not let it be just about what's going wrong in my world.

Maybe I'll start writing about my experiences. Like, clubbing? And concerts.. Hmm.

Sorry to anybody who's a regular reader. I just can't focus.

If you want, leave me a comment. Let me know what you think.
(I doubt I'm gonna have any, but it's worth a shot.)